Quarantine Kalyanam

I HOLD NO COPYRIGHT TO THIS PIC. PIC COURTESY – ADOBE SPARK IMAGES

Year 2020 has been an “itch on the butt-hole” year for the whole World. Especially with the emergence of WhatsApp University, which made the whole Lockdown period a nightmare, with relatives posting annoying forwards about Covid-19. I’m still wondering about the link between the Navagrahas and their effect on the pandemic! And Oh! I totally forgot about those relatives who posted “absolutely appetite killing” pix of the “special” dishes they saw on youtube and tried. Not to miss out the “Kothamalli and Cashew” garnish on their dishes and a series of pix of “BOURBON BISCUIT’ and “OREO BISCUIT” cakes.. One of my diet-conscious relative living in Australia, also suggested a “healthy” version of that crap, made out of sugar-free, digestive – saw-dust -like tasting biscuits and because she’s in Australia, her diet (Uwack) biscuit cake (Uwack again) recipe were being praised by everyone in the “FAMJAM” group and amidst all of this hyper-annoying messages came a breath of fresh air, when my cousin Sanjana announced about her engagement to Surya, one of our family friend’s son. There were a series of congratulatory messages, in between which, ‘ This message was deleted ‘ , followed by which was ‘congrats sanj’, written by the Australia relative of mine, whose stomach was burning coz she kind of lost it when Sanjana stole her lime-light.

Suddenly, I read a message “This is love marriage… I know that time itself” sent by Vishalam athai, the leader of the gossip-gang, who by mistake typed in the wrong window and deleted it after everyone saw it (Lockdown time, no work nothing, everyone were hooked to their mobile phones only).

Sanjana’s parents arranged a Zoom-call conference for the members of FAMJAM group, to officially inform about the wedding… Illena ellarum moonji churukippale! They posted the link in the group. Half of them who were the first benchers and toppers in the Whatapp University, protested against holding a meeting in zoom and you all know why… It was scheduled as per the convenience of all our relatives and their timings. While the oldies made sure they’d be a pain in the ass by not following the instructions we youngsters gave them about using the app, the middle-aged Corporate and Tech-savy relatives of ours promptly logged into the app, promptly following all the protocols of a high-end World-saving meet, in the most elite and sophisticated manner, possible.

The meeting started with a lot of disturbance and network lag, where we had to see Pachu mama savouring a spoon of Upma Kozhukattai with thenga chutney, in the spotlight for almost 10 min. One of the relatives even wore a mask and insisted all of us to wear coz “computer lerndhu virus varum”. And then every one were speaking among themselves and not letting the hosts speak. A fight in the Whatsapp group broke, when the hosts muted everyone and the audience actually found it disrespectful. it took almost 20 min for the hosts to apologise to everyone.

Sanjana’s parents finally announced their daughter’s wedding and how it would be conducted at their residence, with only 21 people and will be available for everyone to see, on Zoom call. Zoom, yet again turned into a market-place with the chattering of all my relatives.

The D-day arrived and amma woke me up, to help her login to the app, despite of me teaching her on using the app, for almost 100 times. The top graduates of Whatsapp University, who protested against using the app, surprisingly, were the first ones to login to witness Sanju’s wedding. They sat smiling ear-to-ear with their pearl-white dentures shining bright.

The event started with Kasi Yatrai, where, Surya, the groom holding a walking stick, a hand fan and Bhagavad-Gita, walked into the balcony of Sanjana’s house, along with Santosh- Sanjana’s younger brother, who held an umbrella above Surya’s head. Surya was then stopped mid-way by Sanjana’s father and ushered back into the main hall, where Sanjana and Surya exchanged garlands and then proceeded to sit on 2 decorated chairs. While all these were happening, we had to hear some of our gaana-kokila aunties, who sang Maalai-maatrinal and Kan-oonjal songs with absolute-apa-shruthi, which sounded like broken strings of guitar being strummed mercilessly due to the network lag. They sang tearing their throats only to be muted by the host, a young cousin of mine, who lived near Sanjana’s house and was the only direct-invitee to the wedding. While the wedding proceedings were witnessed by all of us via zoom, we also once in a while had to bear with the spotlight on our oldie mamas and mamis faces while they constantly passed random one rupee also worthless comments and at one point, due to network lag, the focus was on one Ramani mama’s wife, whose 2 big nostrils were clearly visible to all of us. One of them even commented “Mami’s nostrils can fit 2 bullet trains at a time” and everyone laughed. Oh! I almost forgot, the little bratty Amerikka born 4 yr old twins of one of my cousin, who were also focused on zoom spotlight and were totally worthy of a nice pinch for being so annoying.

Sanjana’s wedding finally concluded and the newly-wed did namaskaram to all the elders via zoom and the pala-daanam amount to each of them were sent via Google-pay and such platforms. And the food! Don’t even ask about it… We cooked at our own homes and had a hearty meal. Sanjana’s wedding, was as good as any other wedding, with all the gossip, masala, show-off, but indeed a budget friendly and sweet-one. The best part, we could attend it in our fav, comfy clothes. While some of them attended it in their old grey-veshtis, baniyans and nighties. It was one of a kind.

The evening of the wedding, our FAMJAM group was yet again filed with messages targetting all the morattu-singles of the family, to get married.

Adei everyone out there are dying and fighting for lives and these people want another Kalyanam itseems.

Knowing the next message would be targetted towards me, I saw here and there and left the group!!

I hope you enjoyed reading this post of mine. This year also marks the 10th year of my blogging. I’m sure many of you must have also attended Quarantine Kalyanam in your circle. Do comment below and let me know your experiences.

Cheers,

Meenu A.k.a Aarya