Foodtrimony

Ellarukkum Namaskaram! Andariki Namaskaramu! Sabko Namashkar! Hello Everyone…. I am back with my “signature” post once again…

It has been very long- almost a year or may be more, since I have written something in my very own style… I asked my Akka- what to blog about. She and I were thinking a lot and nothing really struck our minds… Suddenly our Appa came up with some marriage alliance for my Akka and as we saw the profile, “Curd Rice” we said in chorus. Appa was wondering what is this “Curd Rice” . An idea struck, and here, I will enlighten you on what is the connection between food and marriage.

Past 4 years (we have successfully entered into the 5th year recently), in searching the potential match for my Akka (Now don’t ask me questions like “why so long” or shit like that Ok! We have our own reasons). Being the younger one in the house and also, me being the extra crazy and masaledar one, my parents, akka and everyone around me put that burden of shortlisting groom’s profiles for my akka…. For a very long time I hated this job (I still do 😦 ), but then came a ray of hope when I started classifying the matrimony profiles into food varieties. This not only applies to the potential grooms but also to the brides who have made their way into the matrimony sites.

#1: Fruits:
These are the type of guys and girls whose matrimony pictures are photoshopped with blue/green Velvettish background.  Ususally, their profiles have pages and pages of descriptions about their family-ancestry-even to early man times…. They tell every damn detail about the guy/girl’s spiritual side( One mama even wrote how his 35 yr old son does Pooja for 3 hours a day and all that).
While the guys pose for pictures with clean shaven faces in a veshti teamed up with a kurta with vibhuti pattai/kumkumam or thirumaan-srichurnam – standing stiff with both their hands resting under their belly which pouts out a little. The girls pose with a humble  sober-pink or blue or a dull coloured chudidar or a simple dull chiffon saree, long braided hair with flowers (they do this to show off how long their hair is-to let the other girls to envy them >_<  )  with a nice big bottu and some vibhuti or kumkumam on their forehead, adorning medium sized jimikis  on their ears, a thin chain around their neck, a nose pin on the right side of the nose, dull-gold or plastic bangles matching to their dress (same hands resting under the belly pose only) and a smile like Monalisa- Revealing their strong, deep rooted traditional values in the picture itself (So much that you feel like building a temple for them and do archanai to them).

#2 Pulihara/Upma:

This type of girls and guys are those who are equally excited about their marriage, like their parents and relatives are. They are the type of people whose matrimony account is accessed by their relatives also. They post varieties of pictures taken at random functions, festivals, weddings – well dressed in jigu jigu party clothes  (so much that you will be wondering who the groom/bride is-sometimes they wear goggles also-unbearable that is). Various selfies with cousins, relatives, friends and family. These people are of the expectant type. More than them or their parents, their relatives rule over the matrimony scenario. These people expect their relatives to do the work of marriage broker for them.
They also, like the ones in the prev. category , write pages and pages of family history, spirituality, qualifications and all that of the girl/guy).

#3 Sambhar Rice:

These guys and girls are often aged between 24-30, whose profiles have descriptions like “My son/daughter is a simple, home loving-jovial and God fearing person. We are a close knit family of 4. Our son/daughter is a very loving person who is 60% traditional and 40% modern. We have our own house in Chennai. We won’t treat our son-in-law / daughter-in-law like one, but as our own child born from a different parent. We need a fair and handsome/beautiful match for our innocent yet smart child(generally the guy is bald headed). If you like , then please send interest and we will contact you” 

They have a picture clicked in every possible dress and angle- One in Traditional, one in casual, one in formal, one in office,one in hotel, one in a marriage, one with family, one with friends etc….They often mention about their wealth and boast about themselves in every possible way.
These people also, like the previous category of people, are some sort of dependant on their relatives for marriage brokerage.

#4 Biryani: 

These guys and girls are simple, decently qualified, earning good and well settled people with the right blend of present day trend and traditional values. They post a simple picture of theirs, never boast much to sell themselves in the marriage market. They basically have no intention to sell themselves at all. My type of people 😉 .

#5 Chicken Biryani:

These guys and girls are like the above but a little extra casual than the latter. They reveal themselves a little more(sometimes even about their crushes or prev-relationship). They even post pictures in pyjamas and t shirts, selfies clicked early morning even before brushing, selfies kissing their pet or something like that. These people are sometimes a little classy too.  They hold more of present day trends than the traditional values that they hold.

#6 Curd Rice:

These guys and girls are those who seem to be very disinterested towards life. All their profile pictures reveal a neutral expression. While the picture is such, the words written about them are totally the opposite (Generally they write that they are fun-loving and jovial etc). You just can’t tell anything about these people, just like by looking at the curd rice or even smelling it, you cant tell if it is tasting good or it is sour. These people leave you in a fix.

#7 Soups-Salad-Pasta-Garlic Breads:

The NRI guys and girls, who look out only for NRI partners. This category also include the ones in India, who post pictures sitting on their office desks, dressed in formals, generally with an intention to show off how corporate-ish they are 😛 . I need not go in detail about these people,  their pictures or profiles. 60% of the matrimony sites are filled with these profiles only.

#8 Ladies Fingers:  These are the girls who leave you in a fix whether to marry or not, talking about feminism (pseudo feminism ok!) inspired by FB posts about the girls who think feminism is their right to drink, smoke, party and do all shit like that.

#9 Hippos: These are the guys who feel that men are the superior most gender and that they can do anything they want- like party-drink-smoke-do drugs- be a play boy but expect to marry a girl like shudh desi ghee- pure and untouched.

#10 Junkies: These are those people who talk a lot but do nothing. Their profiles seem to be very very attractive and lively but in reality, they don’t even smile. Their biggest laugh would be a small grin.

So folks! I hope now you know how to classify your potential partner and choose them wisely, based on which one of the above categories you fall into…

Cheers,

Meenu Iyer a.k.a Aarya 😉

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